Years
ago, I was going through a really rough time.
(One of many.) I was panicked
about our fruitless search for a new home (we needed to move our 6-person
family out of the moldy, 2-bedroom rental we were in) and about my young son’s Baby
Bottle Tooth Decay (he never even had a bottle or anything sugary to drink). And I was a wreck!
But
as I ruminated on my fears one day - conversing with myself about all that was
wrong and what a failure I felt like - I began to talk with the Lord also. (I didn’t actually “hear” His answers so much
as I felt them and thought them, as though the Holy Spirit was helping me
understand God’s answers.) And the
conversation in my head – my prayer – went something like this:
A. Lord, I don’t know what to do. And it’s
frustrating and depressing and I feel like I’m failing.
B: Why do you feel like you have to do anything?
A: Because I’m the mom. I should know what to
do. But I don’t. I’m failing.
B: Failing at what?
A: Well, I can’t find the right house, although we’ve looked
for years. And I can’t fix my son’s teeth
no matter how hard I try. I can’t even figure
out the right “next step” to take.
B: So no matter what you do, none of your best efforts are
good enough?
A: Exactly.
B: Exactly!
A: What . . . Huh?!?
B: Exactly! None of your best efforts are good
enough. You’ve been relying on yourself, but you can’t do it in your own
power.
A: But I don’t know what else to do.
B: Just rest!
A: What? How do I rest when there is so much to
do, and “resting” will look irresponsible to others when we are trying to find
a house, and I need to find the right dentist because my son’s teeth are
rotting away. They’ll be stubs before we know it, and then we’ll have to
get them pulled, and then he’ll have no teeth till his adult ones grow
in. And then when they do, they’ll probably rot, too, because I don’t
know what’s causing it.
B: Just rest.
A: But there’s so much that I don’t know.
B: But there’s so much that I do.
A: Oh! . . . Then why won’t You tell me what to
do? I’ve been waiting for an answer for so long and I’m freaking out.
B: I won’t tell you because you’re freaking out. You still don’t trust Me. You
are always trying to do it in your own power. And I’m trying to teach you
to rest in My power, in Me. Why are you trying so hard to control
everything?
A: Because I get hurt if I don’t. If I rely on
anyone else, I get let down.
B: Even by Me?
A: Um. . . I never really thought about it, but I
guess I do act like I think You’ll let me down, too. So I try to control
everything.
B: Even things you have no business trying to control?
A: Yeah, I guess so.
B: Do you think you can do better than Me?
A: No. I really don’t. But I guess I do
act like I can do better. Forgive me, Lord. Help me learn to trust
in You about the things that I have no clue about. Help me. And,
please, give me Your peace. I have none of my own and I’m freaking
out. So please, I need Your peace in this. Sustain me until I know
what to do, and give me the wisdom to know what to do and when to do it.
