Sometimes I Wish ...

Sometimes I wish there was a place I could go where I could scream as long and as loud as I want to - a raw, primal scream, maybe even ranting and raving about everything I've ever wanted to scream out loud but held inside instead ... and no one could hear it but God in heaven (but maybe He could cover His ears for a little while, just in case). 

Or I wish I could wake up in one of those places you see in the movies sometimes, that all-white, alternate-universe place with no walls, no ceiling, no floor, no people, no noise ... no anything except whiteness as far as the eye can see.  And I could just sit there awhile in complete stillness and silence and peace.

That would be nice.

I Will Love You ... Always

            “How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me? . . . But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.”  (Psalm 13:1, 5-6)

            “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him, . . .”  (Job 13:15)

            “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”  (Job 1:21)

                       

            Years ago, I saw the movie Facing the Giants.  And it was a good movie.  Last night (April 16, 2015, this is obviously a repost), I saw it again . . . and it was a great movie.  It touched my heart in ways it didn’t before.  And I pretty much cried through the whole thing.  (Good thing the lights were off so my family couldn’t tell.) 

Silence as Worship

(written 3\6\18)

For a long time now I have had a hard time praying.  (I'm talking a couple years.)  Or more accurately, I've had a hard time knowing what to pray, how to pray.

It feels like so much has gone wrong, like so many hopes have crashed and burned, like prayer isn't having any effect, like I am praying to the ceiling, like the things I pray about are what gets attacked anyway, like the burdens of life are too heavy and have shattered me into too many pieces, like there is just too much to complain about.

And so ... I have been silent.

In life.  In friendships.

And even in prayer (for the most part, compared to how I used to pray).

And this has bothered me for awhile.  Made me feel guilty, like I am failing at friendships, at my faith, as a Christian.

I was thinking about all this the other day.  Thinking about the alternative to silence.

What if I started talking?  What would I even say?

I realized that if I did start talking, start rambling in prayer, all I would do is complain.  I would lament all that was going wrong, all that felt unfair, all the broken dreams.  I would ramble on about all the things I think I need from God, all the things He isn't giving to me or doing for me.  I would be repeating all the things I've already told Him over and over again.  

And this is when it dawned on me that - with the emotional state I am in - silence is actually my way of honoring God, of worshipping Him.  Of trusting Him.  

Because I don't want to complain about what He has allowed into my life.  I don't want to focus only on the bad stuff.  I don't want to dishonor Him with my grumbling.  I don't want to keep telling Him over and over again about what I expect out of Him, about how He should answer my prayers, about how I want Him to do what I want Him to do, about how much it hurts that He isn't answering prayers my way.
 

I know Him too well to doubt His love, care, goodness, and sovereignty. I know Him too well to think that He isn't listening, that He doesn't care, or that He isn't going to do something about my concerns.
  

If opening my mouth right now means complaining ... then I choose silence.

If opening my mouth means telling Him over and over again all that I've already told Him, acting like He isn't listening or doesn't care ... then I choose silence.

If opening my mouth means that I keep talking and talking, leaving no room for Him to talk and no room for me to really hear what He has to say when He is ready to talk ... then I choose silence.

Silence is how I am worshipping Him right now.  How I bear the daily crosses.  How I am settling myself down so I can hear Him when He is ready to talk.  How I am learning to wait on His timing, to let Him do things His way.  How I show that I trust Him, even when life hurts.  

Overcoming Spiritual Fear

            Are you ultra-concerned about being a “good Christian” and doing the “right” thing, praying the “right” way, having the “right” attitude, and making the “right” choices?

 

            Do you find yourself desperately following “do and don’t” lists, afraid that you might step out of line?

 

            Are you often afraid that God is going to blast you with a lightning bolt for saying or doing something wrong?

 

            Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells with Him, always afraid of displeasing Him?

 

            Do you feel like no matter how much you strive to please God and do the right thing, you are always letting Him down?

 

            Are you afraid that He really isn’t listening to you or really doesn’t care that much about your “little problems” or aching heart?

 

            Do you hesitate to pray or share your concerns with God because you are afraid of burdening Him?  Afraid to have Him waste His time or energy on you, especially when there are greater tragedies and concerns in the world that deserve God’s attention more than you do?

 

            Is it hard for you to share your true feelings, thoughts, fears, and doubts with Him because you’re afraid of disappointing Him or earning His wrath?  So you put on a nice, polished, acceptable, capable, “good Christian” mask?

 

            Are you afraid of needing God?  Of truly, desperately needing Him?  Relying on Him?  (To really need Him is to be really vulnerable.  If we let ourselves need someone, we take the risk of getting let down, of being dropped on our faces.  And so, many of us don’t risk needing others, even God.  We try our best to be self-sufficient and self-reliant, even with God.  Which doesn’t work.  Eventually we will all find our self-sufficiency tested, in order that we might learn to rely on Him.)

 

            Deep down, do you doubt that God is a good, loving Father who really does want the best for you?  Do you see Him more as a God who is unfair, harsh, or indifferent?         

 

            Have you ever secretly wondered, How could God ever really love me?  I’m just . . . me!  Messed-up me!  Surely, He could never forgive me or want a relationship with me?

 

            Whether or not we admit it, many of us have these kinds of fears.  And they hinder our spiritual walks and our relationships with Him, others, and ourselves.  So how do we deal with these kinds of spiritual fears?

Broken

            It hurts to be broken. 

            It’s being vulnerable, taking a risk with our hearts . . . sometimes winning, sometimes losing. 

            It’s leaning on others and opening ourselves up to them, to trust, to hope.  Sometimes finding support and acceptance and help, being caught before we hit the ground.  And sometimes being let down and battered, falling flat on our faces when others pull back and fail to catch us. 

            Sometimes, it’s just a minor annoyance, a pain that we absorb with relative ease, realizing that we are better for it.  And sometimes, it’s more pain than we can bear, feeling like we’ll never be whole again, wanting to curl up in a ball in a dark, lonely corner and fall asleep forever. 

            Being broken hurts!   

Praying Scripture: For Forgiveness and Healing

(Newly added April 2022) 

Prayer for Forgiveness and Healing:

John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.”

1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

Psalm 32:5: “Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity.  I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord’ – and you forgave the guilt of my sin.”

Acts 3:19: “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.”

Psalm 103:11-12: “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”

Romans 3:22-24: “This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.  There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ.”

2 Corinthians 5:17: “… if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.”

Romans 8:1: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…”

Matthew 6:14-15: “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Luke 6:27: “… Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”

 

          Lord, I know that sin affects my eternity and my relationship with You, with myself, and with others.  And in order to have the best life possible, in eternity and on earth, I need Your forgiveness for my sins and I need to forgive others for their sins against me, as You have forgiven me. 

          Lord, I thank You that Jesus died for my sins on the cross so that I could be saved from hell and go to heaven.  I thank You for Your promise to forgive my sins if I confess them to You.  I want to be forgiven.  I want to be cleansed from my sins and to experience the healing and times of refreshing that You promise.  And so right now, I confess my sins to You.  (Specifically confess any known sins to God right now.)  Reveal to me any sins that I am hiding or that I have forgotten but that I need to confess to You.  (Take some time to listen for His answer throughout the week.  When He reveals any, confess them.)  I thank You, Lord, that You paid for all these sins on the cross.  They are already forgiven.  And we don’t have to earn or work for Your forgiveness.  In fact, no one can earn Your forgiveness.  All we have to do, all we can do, is reach out and accept it as the free gift it is.  If I have made You my Lord and Savior, I don’t have to pay for my sins eternally or be beaten down by them on earth anymore. 

          [If you haven’t yet accepted Jesus as Lord as Savior, do so now with a prayer that’s as simple as “Lord, I admit that I am a sinner and I can’t save myself.  I need You.  Thank You for dying for my sins so that I could go to heaven and for rising again to prove You are God.  I accept Your sacrifice for my sins right now.  Forgive me and cleanse me.  I am putting my faith in You right now and choosing You as my Lord and Savior.  And I want to live the rest of my life for You.  Help me do that.  Make me who You want me to be.  Thank You for Your amazing grace, mercy, and love.  In Jesus’s name, Amen.”] 

          Lord, I thank You that You have made me a new creation, that You have taken the old away, removing my sins as far as the east is from the west.  I thank You that even though I may still have to face the consequences of my sins on earth, You are with me and will help me face it.  I thank You that I am not condemned for my sins anymore in Your eyes because of what You did for me on the cross.  Because of Jesus’s death, You now see me as righteous.  He took my sins away.  Help me to live in gratitude for that precious truth, for Jesus’s amazing sacrifice. 

          But Lord, even though I know this is the truth, I still sometimes feel ashamed and guilty.  And I know this is from the enemy, the one who wants to hurt me, to make me ashamed, and to ruin my relationship with You and my future.  In the name of Jesus, I resist the devil and his attempts to hurt me, to make me feel ashamed, unforgiven, hopeless, helpless, or unloved.  (“Submit yourself, then, to God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you.  Come near to God and He will come near to you.” James 4:7-8) 

          I am a child of Yours, Lord.  You love me.  You are my hope and my help.  You forgave my sins.  I matter to You just because I am Yours.  And since I am Your child, the devil doesn’t have any power over me anymore, other than the power I let him have when I give in to him, his lies, and to sin.  But right now, I am confessing my sins to You and drawing near to You.  I am resisting the devil’s lies, in Jesus’s name.  And according to Your Word, the devil has to flee.  Greater is the Holy Spirit who is in me than the devil who is in the world (1 John 4:4).  Thank You, Lord, for Your presence, power, and help.  Thank You for Your victory over evil.  Help me to understand what it truly means to be a child of God, how I should live in this world and do battle in the spiritual world. 

          Lord, I will trust You when You say that You forgave my sins, that You love me, that You made me a new creation, that You do not condemn me anymore, and that I am righteous in Your eyes because of what Jesus did for me.  Please, Lord, surround me with Your heavenly angels to keep the enemy away.  Surround me with Your truth and Your healing love, to help me to feel the forgiveness and love and grace and mercy that You pour out on me. 

          Lord, I know that part of living as Your child is forgiving other people for what they did to me.  If we want Your forgiveness, we have to forgive others.  This is going to be hard for me, Lord, so please help me do it.  You don’t say that we have to feel like forgiving them or that we have to want to forgive them; You just say that we have to do it.  And so even if I don’t feel like forgiving them, I’m going to do it anyway.  Just because You said I have to.  After all, if You died on the cross to forgive me for what I did wrong, then surely I can forgive others for what they did wrong. 

          And so right now, I am going to forgive other people for what they did to me.  (Name each person you’re forgiving and what you’re forgiving them for.  Tell the Lord that you forgive that person and won’t hold their offenses against them anymore.  Ask Him to give you a tender heart for them, to help you see them and love them as He does, even if you never see them anymore or have to stay away from them.  It’s okay if you have to love someone from a distance.)

          Lord, I put these people and the hurts they caused me in Your hands right now.  Forgive me for the bitterness I’ve had towards them, for the anger that kept me prisoner, and for the things I’ve done in revenge for what they did.  I give up my “right” to hold their sins against them anymore.  I give up the bitterness I feel and the desire for revenge.  I trust You to deal justly with their sins, in Your time and in Your way.  But, please, heal the hurt they caused me and the heart-wounds they’ve given me.  Turn it into something good, for Your glory and Your purposes and my future. 

          In fact, You even say that we should pray for those who mistreat us.  And so right now I pray for the people who hurt me.  I pray that You would guide them to You, meet their needs, and help them find healing too.  (Pray for each individual person by name, if you can.) 

          And help me, Lord, to live in forgiveness from here on out, in the forgiveness I gave others and in the forgiveness You gave me.  Help me to see those other people the way You see them and to see myself the way You see me.  Help me to feel for them what You feel for them.  Help me to understand how You feel about me.  Help me to remember that I am Your child, that I am forgiven, that I am loved, and that You have a future full of hope and purpose planned for me.  And even if it’s not the future I thought it would be, You can still make it into something good and useful for Your kingdom.  Help me learn to follow as You lead me. 

          Lord, I know I will continue to stumble, and so I ask You to help keep my heart sensitive to anything I need to confess to You in the future, to anyone I need to seek forgiveness from, or to anyone else I need to forgive.  Thank You that You always forgive us when we confess our sins to You and that You will always comfort us and restore our souls when we cry out to You, no matter what we do.  Fill me with the hope and peace and healing that is found in You alone.  Thank You for Your amazing grace.  Because of what You have done for me, I can be whole and healed and live a meaningful life for You.  Help me to do that.  Make me the person You want me to be.  And help me to share Your grace, love, and truth with others who need it too. 

          In Jesus’s name, Amen

Afraid to Pray?

Have you ever been afraid to pray? 

I’m in this place a bit right now.  Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that prayer matters.  That it’s crucial.  I do pray about things.  Prayers of thanksgiving.  Prayers about immediate concerns.  Prayers of “I’m sorry.” 

But more and more, I find that the words don’t come easily.  I guess I am afraid because it seems that every time I pray for something, the thing I pray about gets attacked. 

When You Don't Care Anymore

When you’re broken down to the point of not caring anymore, you’ve got two options to get through it …

 

#1 … uhhh, never mind, whatever.

 

 

 

26 Tips For Dealing with Depression/Anxiety (Long Version)

            This is a revision of a section I had in the “How I Broke” post.  (It's a LONG post, just to warn you.  For the shorter version - half as long - click here.)  It’s about the things I have found helpful when dealing with anxiety and/or depression as a Christian.  It’s been a long year or so of dealing with it pretty regularly and intensely, and I have tried many things to get through it all, some really helpful and some just temporarily helpful.  But if anything I have learned can help someone else … well, that’s why I keep writing about it.  So in no particular order (well, kind of), here are some of the things I have tried and learned (there will be some overlap but that’s okay, I need to be reminded of this stuff as much as possible anyway):

1.  Clearly identify what you are feeling and why, if you can.  And pray about it all honestly.  Get real with yourself and with the Lord.  And let your pain draw you closer to the Lord, purify your trust in Him, and mature your faith.

            Doubts and fear and pain don’t have to destroy our faith in God.  They can actually make it stronger and more real.  But only if we are willing to be honest about it all with Him (and with ourselves).  Too many times, we Christians try to please God with nice, pleasing-sounding, polished-up prayers, while we hide the real, hurting, ugly parts of ourselves.  Afraid He might be displeased with us if we reveal them.  But this fakeness causes a breech in our relationship with Him.  I believe honesty is better.

            Write out exactly what's bugging you as thoroughly as possible.  And then bring it all to Him – all the ugly, displeasing thoughts, all the doubts and fears, the brokenness and weakness and failures.  Cry out to Him.  Tell Him that you need help, that you can’t do it anymore.  Be honest with Him about everything inside of you.  He knows it all already. 

          You don’t have to fix it all.  You don’t have to know what to do.  You don’t have to do it all on your own.  You are not alone in your trials and your pain.  He is always waiting for us to cry out to Him, to include Him in our trials, in our need, in our pain, to let Him into the broken parts of our heart so that He can heal them.  But you have to be honest.  To open up the doors that you have closed off in your heart.   

26 Tips for Dealing with Depression/Anxiety (Short Version)

In no particular order (well, kind of), here are some of the things I've tried and learned when dealing with depression and/or anxiety as a Christian:

1. Clearly identify what you feel and why (if you can).  And pray about it all honestly.  Get real with yourself and with the Lord.  And let your pain draw you closer to Him, purify your trust in Him, and mature your faith.

        You don’t have to fix it all.  You don’t have to know what to do.  You don’t have to do it all on your own.  You are not alone in your trials and your pain.  He is always waiting for us to cry out to Him, to include Him in our trials, in our need, in our pain, to let Him into the broken parts of our heart so that He can heal them.  But you have to be honest, to open up the doors that you have closed off in your heart.  (And remember that we're all human, and humans hurt.  And that's normal.  You are normal.  It's okay to not be okay.  You're going to be okay.)   

        Be real.  Be raw.  Be honest.  That’s a major part of humility.

"Is Depression a Sin?" (repost)

            (Reposted from my other blog, from February 2016.)  This issue came up recently when I was talking with some women from church.  Someone had read off a list of sins and it included depression.  And one of the women asked the rest of us what we thought about that.  As someone who struggles with depressed feelings a lot, it got me really wondering if it’s right to call it “sin.”

            Of course, the word depression doesn’t appear in the Bible, so this issue requires some conjecture, some outside-the-box thinking.  But my first reaction to this question was:  “Calling it a sin isn’t going to help anyone who is struggling with it.  You can’t just say, ‘You are sinning and you need to stop it,’ and expect that someone is going to be able to go, “Oh, you’re right.  I’ll stop being depressed and start feeling joyful.’” 

            It doesn’t happen that way.  And it may actually be more harmful to talk like that.  In some ways, I think calling depression a sin is irresponsible.  It will only add to the pain and self-loathing someone feels instead of helping at all.  And it will just make them want to pull back and suffer in silence.

When You Feel Invisible and Like You Don't Matter

            I woke up this morning feeling pretty good.  I noticed that I didn’t feel any of the anxiety that hits me in the morning.  I felt a sense of peace and calmness.

            And then before I even had my coffee … a little bird crashed into the window and died.  I have a special spot for birds in my heart - because in times of extreme loneliness and “depression” over the past few years, I found comfort in the birds in my backyard, in the life and joy they added.  I would stand at the backdoor and watch them flitting to and fro among the sunflowers and roses and cosmos, and I would smile. 

            So it made me sad to see this little bird lying there with a broken neck, blood coming out of its mouth.  It was so tiny.  So fragile.  So helpless.  So much like me. 

The Greatest Risk of Living Transparently

The greatest risk of living transparently isn't "What if I open up my heart and then people judge me" ...

It's "What if I open up my heart ... and no one cares".


The only real way to get past this fear is to live transparently not for what we can get out if it ... but for what we can give to others through it.

Our humble honest heart is sometimes the greatest gift and help we can offer other people.  No strings attached.

Prayer Misconception #1: "It has to be just right"

            Misconception Number 1:  Prayer has to be “just right” or God won’t like it.  And that makes me freeze up because I don’t know what to say. 
            I have to say honestly that I used to believe this.  It wasn’t so much a spelled-out, conscious thought.  But it was always there in the back of mind, causing me to edit my prayers or to try to word them in pleasing, faithful-sounding ways. 
            I felt like there were so many things that Christians were supposed to be - faithful, joyful, trusting, not envious, not complaining, not doubtful, etc. - that I couldn’t just be honest about what I was feeling and thinking. 

The Spider (repost)

            (One of my favorite posts from my other blog.  Deeply meaningful to me.)

            It was just a simple prayer my husband said as we laid in bed falling asleep, a sweet prayer really:

            “Lord, bring Heather some more deep, godly friendships with other women.  She needs that!”

            I felt the stinging tears spring to my eyes immediately.  Dang!  He wasn’t supposed to see that.  How’d he know? 

            He doesn’t know that my oldest friend has basically stopped calling because she is too busy and has other people in her life.  He doesn’t know how I struggle every day to shake off the creepy, crawly fingers of depression and discouragement that try to worm their way into my mind and spirit.  Or how I run to get the mail, hoping that maybe there’s something there to break the monotony.  Or how much delight the birds at the birdfeeders bring me, because at least there’s something to fill the void.  Like the new fish I just bought.  He doesn’t realize that although I do what needs to get done around here, more and more I feel like doing less and less, like I’d rather just sit in front of the television all day and neglect my home duties. 

            He doesn’t know how much I feel like the spider that I found at the bottom of a cup, the one who curled up in a ball and fell asleep. 

Thank You for the Thorns (repost)

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of loneliness . . . for it makes me look even harder for You in the quiet places and helps me learn to be content with Your friendship.

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of discouragement . . . for it makes me pour out my pain to You and seek Your help because I need to know that You are walking through the hard times with me.

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of losing control . . . because it reminds me of Who really controls everything and it humbles me at Your feet.

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of constant house problems that our beyond our ability to fix  . . . for it keeps me on my knees before You and prevents me from ever saying, “Look at what my hands have done.”

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of constant financial struggle . . . for it keeps me from “materialism” and teaches me to be thankful for what we do have, for You did not need to even give us that much.

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of hand-me-downs . . . because it reminds me that “things” don’t really matter anyway, nor do they define who I am.

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of earthly failure . . . for it reminds me to try to see things through Your eyes, to remember that You see our hearts and judge our “success” differently than the world does.

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of wrinkles, aching joints, and prematurely silver hair . . . for it reminds me that this life is so short and that I need to be planning for eternity, and it encourages me to improve my attitude and outlook so that people see a beautiful spirit and smile and not just my old-looking outside.             

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of an aching heart . . . for it helps me notice the ache when I see it in others, and it makes me want to reach out to them with a kind word or deed.

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of attacks from the enemy . . . for it reminds me of my constant need to be in communion with You, to seek righteousness, and to maintain my spiritual armor.

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of menial tasks that we have to do over and over again every day, with little recognition or glory . . . for it reminds me that we are to be faithfully obedient in everything, doing even the smallest jobs to the best of our ability, for Your glory.  Because You see what we do and why we do it, and it matters to You.  And You will reward faithfulness in the end with, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”   

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of “prunings” . . . because I know that every time You prune something out of my life (even if it hurts), it will be replaced with greater spiritual growth and blessing.      

            Lord, thank You for the thorns . . . for I am learning that Your grace is sufficient and that You are strongest when I am at my weakest!

The Good That Can Come From Pain

How I Broke!

            (FYI - this is a long post!  A really long post.  Did I mention it will be a long post?) 
            I had the pleasure of talking briefly with a friend the other day about her journey through depression/anxiety and about mine.  It was so refreshing to be able to talk a bit about my struggles, to not feel like I had to answer “I’m fine.  How are you?”  She actually brought up her struggles first, and it gave me permission to talk about mine. 
            For the past year and more, I have only been able to be honest with and share my struggles with one friend.  (Thank God for her!  What a blessing!).  And with everyone else, it’s always been “I’m fine.  How are you?” 
            And I could tell that it has been hurting me to keep it so bottled up inside.  I mean, when you talk to yourself every day, pretending that someone has asked you “How are you?” and you answer “I’m fine.  I’m fine” (and when you do this a couple times every day), you know you are not fine.  You know that you are bursting with stuff you want to tell everyone and anyone. 
            But there’s no one to tell (except for that one wonderful friend). 
            And that’s why you practice your lie of “I’m fine” - hoping that you look strong and pulled-together, and yet hoping that others will see through it and pull the truth out of you. 
            It’s not that I am trying to bottle it up or hide it from people.  It’s just that it doesn’t come up and that most people haven’t “earned” the right to hear my struggles and that talking with people has been stressful.  So I kinda gave it up.  Retreated.  Pulled back into a shell.  It just felt safer and simpler. 
            But it was so refreshing to talk openly last night, to not feel like I had to temper what I was saying or hide it or polish it up.  She understood because she has been there, too.     

If only we'd listen more!

Still Struggling

            I am not sure what’s going on.  But anxiety and depression are still trying to weasel their way back into my life.  I’m always ready to cry.  I can’t read the news because the terrible stories make me feel hopeless about the human race.  I can easily get worked up into a panicky mess when I think about all that is wrong with life or all that could go wrong.  I wake up many days feeling bothered by things, by life, like there is something that I should be upset about but I can’t really figure out what it is. 

            And I’m not sure what to do about it or how to fix it.