Winning the Battle

I have been in a “funk” lately.  I get in them often, comes with being a child from a broken home.  (This is a repost of something I wrote years ago, but it still strongly applies.)  Prayer has felt futile.  I’ve been wanting to pull back from people.  I am struggling to accept certain “life problems” that I wish I didn’t have.  And I constantly deal with feelings of failure and not mattering.  

I know it’s not proper for a Christian to expose the fact that they are dealing with depression and frustration with God and disappointment with prayer and unhappiness with life.  I know we are supposed to plaster on that “good, happy, Christian smile” and act like we are full of joy and peace and contentment.  (Or are we?)  But this is the truth about how I feel.  And if I can’t be real with God and other Christians (even anonymously on this blog), then who can I be real with? 

[One of my reasons for writing so honestly is because I want my kids to understand that struggling with life and with God is part of the journey.  It does not make you a “bad Christian.”  It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it is important to face it and work through it honestly. 

And God Said ...

(reposted from a few years ago)

Not too long ago, I was going through a very discouraging “four-month funk.”  I was so stressed and depressed about life.  I felt like I couldn’t do anything right, and yet I kept trying and trying to accomplish something, anything.  All day, I would ruminate on all the things that were wrong, all the ways I was failing.  And I would plead with God to show me what more I needed to do to succeed.  My shoulders ached from being tense all the time.  My head hurt.  And the tears were always ready to burst forth.  

And one day, as I stood in my kitchen doing dishes, I asked God to help me.  To tell me one thing that He wanted me to do.  Whatever it was, I would do it.  I was failing, failing, failing … and I just wanted His leading in my life because I couldn’t do anything on my own.  What else did He want me to try?  What did I need to give up?  What needed to be pruned from my life?  What did I need to do to make things better?  What more could I do? 

Please, God, just tell me! 

And do you know what He said?  The big advice that He gave me in such a quiet whisper to my heart? 

“Turn up the music and dance!”

Turn up the music and dance!  As soon as I heard it, I knew that this is what I really needed to hear, what I really needed at that moment.  I didn’t need to keep trying so hard to accomplish something, to reach for something just beyond my grasp.  I didn’t need to try to make things better, to do more than what I was doing. 

I just needed to relax, to breathe, to celebrate the moment that He gave me as a gift. 

And so I did.  As the kids played outside, I turned up the music in my kitchen and just danced.  I shook out all of the stress and the ache, and I let the music fill me with delight and joy.  For a short time, I let go of my fears that I would fail and I grabbed onto the blessings of the moment instead.   

It filled me with joy to know that God knew what I really needed, that He cared enough about me to remind me to slow down and relax and enjoy the journey.  To breathe.  To smell the roses.  Pick a daisy.  Laugh with my kids.  Talk a walk. 

Sometimes, I make it harder than it needs to be.  I overwhelm myself with the idea that everything God asks us to do is going to be stressful and hard work and sacrifice and dying to self. 

But sometimes …

He just wants us to dance.     

What I've Learned About Trials

 

 

 

 

 

Thank You for the Thorns (repost)

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of loneliness . . . for it makes me look even harder for You in the quiet places and helps me learn to be content with Your friendship.

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of discouragement . . . for it makes me pour out my pain to You and seek Your help because I need to know that You are walking through the hard times with me.

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of losing control . . . because it reminds me of Who really controls everything and it humbles me at Your feet.

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of constant house problems that our beyond our ability to fix  . . . for it keeps me on my knees before You and prevents me from ever saying, “Look at what my hands have done.”

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of constant financial struggle . . . for it keeps me from “materialism” and teaches me to be thankful for what we do have, for You did not need to even give us that much.

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of hand-me-downs . . . because it reminds me that “things” don’t really matter anyway, nor do they define who I am.

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of earthly failure . . . for it reminds me to try to see things through Your eyes, to remember that You see our hearts and judge our “success” differently than the world does.

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of wrinkles, aching joints, and prematurely silver hair . . . for it reminds me that this life is so short and that I need to be planning for eternity, and it encourages me to improve my attitude and outlook so that people see a beautiful spirit and smile and not just my old-looking outside.             

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of an aching heart . . . for it helps me notice the ache when I see it in others, and it makes me want to reach out to them with a kind word or deed.

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of attacks from the enemy . . . for it reminds me of my constant need to be in communion with You, to seek righteousness, and to maintain my spiritual armor.

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of menial tasks that we have to do over and over again every day, with little recognition or glory . . . for it reminds me that we are to be faithfully obedient in everything, doing even the smallest jobs to the best of our ability, for Your glory.  Because You see what we do and why we do it, and it matters to You.  And You will reward faithfulness in the end with, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”   

            Lord, thank You for the thorn of “prunings” . . . because I know that every time You prune something out of my life (even if it hurts), it will be replaced with greater spiritual growth and blessing.      

            Lord, thank You for the thorns . . . for I am learning that Your grace is sufficient and that You are strongest when I am at my weakest!

"Just a Mom"

            Last night, my husband mentioned that someone at church asked if I wanted to help out with a school-year-long children’s program.  And it immediately made me a little panicky, afraid that I would be cornered into doing it when I don’t feel I can take on anything else right now.

            And then I worried a little that maybe I was too quick to say “no,” that I wasn’t being a good church member or contributing the way others were or giving God a chance to tell me to do it. 

            Should I add this responsibility?  Does God want me to or not, or does it not really matter to Him what I choose to do?  Do I have a right to do what I am most comfortable with, even if it places more burdens on others?  Is it selfish of me to just focus on being a stay-at-home mom right now?  Should I be doing more?

            I was thinking about all that this morning, going over and over in my head about how little I do outside the house and yet how I know I cannot add one more responsibility to my life at this time, nothing more than just being a “wife, mom, and homeschooler of four.”  Because I can barely keep up with that.  I feel like I am drowning sometimes in the responsibilities and all that I can’t get done around here.  I can’t take on one more thing.  It panics me to be obligated to something outside the home right now, in a “I don’t trust myself to not crack badly under the pressure.” 

Joy is a Spiritual Victory

            “How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me? . . . But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.”  (Psalm 13:1, 5-6)

            “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him, . . .”  (Job 13:15)

            “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”  (Job 1:21)

            I tell ya, life can be brutal, heart-breaking, disappointing.  Yet, there is something incredibly sweet – bittersweet – about learning that you can praise God anyway in the midst of heart-ache and pain and trials. 
            It’s one thing to be joyful because you finally got what you wanted.  But it’s another thing to not get what you want and to find joy in the Lord anyway.  It’s a much deeper, tender kind of joy.  One not based on circumstances, but on God’s presence and goodness and love. 
            And this can only be learned – you can only get to this point – when your heart aches, dreams get shattered, prayers go “unanswered,” you lose all hope in yourself and your abilities, the future looks dark and scary . . . and yet you still bow down before the Lord and say, “It’s okay!  I will still trust You and praise You, whether You give or take away.  You are good!” 

Learning to praise and trust God anyway

            Psalm 96:4, 8:  “For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise . . . Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name . . .”

            Job 1:21, 2:10:  “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised. . . . Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”   

            I think one of the hardest lessons to learn and one of the greatest indicators of humility is learning to praise God, to trust Him, and to cling to Him in the pain and in the hard times. 

            It is easy to be thankful and to trust Him and to “sing His praises” when things are going our way and when we have more than enough.  But it is so hard to do this when we are in the “desert times” of our lives and when we feel like life is letting us down, like God is letting us down, and like we have been abandoned by Him. 



            Learning to praise Him and trust Him (and to glorify Him) completely and at all times - regardless of what is going on in our lives – is part of the journey.  And it can only be learned the hard way.  It can only be learned . . .